Parker is nearing 8 weeks and I have been breastfeeding and supplementing formula since she was 10 days old. We started out great (I thought) at the hospital she was ready to nurse practically as soon as she was born. She latched great and nursed frequently I thought to myself this is it I am finally going to be able to breastfeed exclusively. With each of the girls I have had varying success with breastfeeding. I've nursed in pain because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. I cried when I made the decision to stop because I thought I was horrible mother. I've pumped exclusively knowing full well I wasn't making nearly enough to feed the twins. When I became pregnant with Parker I was determined to breastfeed for more than 3 months, and to not supplement, or have to pump.
So here we are almost two months later and my mind continually wonders what I should be doing and honestly what I am doing wrong. Should I continue breastfeeding and supplementing? Should I pump only or should I switch to just formula? I feel like I am continually needing to choose Parker over my other children because let's face it nursing is time consuming and then adding in a bottle after a 20-30 nursing session is a lot of dedicated time. Now I know that having a newborn often means putting her needs ahead of others in the beginning month and we were prepared and had prepared the girls for this. I want to do what is best for Parker AND the rest of my family but sometimes that decisions is clouded by what I "think" I should be doing. Parker is our last child therefore my last chance to get breastfeeding right. I can't help but feel like I would be loosing a part of the experience if I stopped nursing her so soon. The bond I have felt with her is one I am not sure I am ready to give up. But realistically my body just hasn't been able to keep up with her and I can't help but feel like I'm failing her. Most days I am left with confusion on what is the best thing to do. Last week I was talking with my sister (who is a rock star on her seventh month of exclusively nursing her first child) about how I am feeling and after some discussion she just said to me "Do what you have to do for your family.. and remember FED IS BEST". Of course I have heard this before and I know this to be true so why am I putting so much pressure on myself to make a choice. For me the guilt has been overwhelming when I think it would just be "easier" for many reasons to use formula.
Each day is new with new challenges and new successes. Some days I feel like I can continue on the path we have been on and others I just don't see how I can keep up. But right now I do know that it is OK to do both as long as Parker is happy and growing that is what matters. Even if tomorrow I decide to stop breastfeeding it will still be OK and Parker will continue to be happy and growing. I also know that no matter the decision I make it is mine alone and it doesn't define me as a mother or take away from the bond I will have with Parker. I am hopeful I can remember this when the time comes to make a choice and for anyone else in this struggle I hope that you can remember it too.
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