When you make that decision the decision yes, you do in fact want another child (and your spouse does as well) something changes in you. You look at your family a little differently, you start picturing another little child running round with the ones you already have; and suddenly you can't wait. If I am being honest there is/was also a bit of worry that sets in when that decision is made. Will the other kids be ok? What will everyone think (5 kids.... )? Will the baby be ok (I'm 36)? Will I be ok? Will it take us some time to get pregnant? Of course there are just some things we have no control over, but the things we did have control over we made sure to put our minds at ease. We discussed this decision with our older daughters and they were beyond excited at the possibility of another sibling. The twins still a bit too young to understand - but we figured they would love to be big sisters. My husband typically doesn't care what others think of himself or our family and I am the same (Most of the time)... but women are just different. We look at (and get looked at) each other differently; sometimes good and sometimes not so good. It's hard not to take certain glances or comments to heart. Having twins has certain toughened my skin when it comes to comments/questions from others. I discussed some of these concerns with the members of my family that knew we were waiting to add another child and the response was the same... it's your life and those that matter will be happy for you and support you; as long as you are happy that is all that matters.
So the journey began... around the beginning of March we were given the all clear from he Doctor to start "trying". I want to first say that I know the journey to becoming pregnant is different for everyone, for some it happens quickly others it takes more time. I don't want to seem insensitive by sharing my story, I just want to be real and maybe a small part can help others like me. If you read my last post (do you want more) you know it hasn't been too difficult for me to become pregnant and that we have also suffered some losses along the way. I had a big fear of this happening again since it seems to be a pattern for me and this time I was older. During our second month (April) of trying I became pregnant and we were elated I had assumed it was going to take some time for it to happen give my age and other factors. We found out pretty early on... before I had even missed my period. We were so excited and decided we couldn't wait to tell the girls and some of our family. Unfortunately, the excitement didn't last and a few days later the pregnancy has ended. It was heartbreaking the share the news with the kids and the few family members we had told. In my mind I knew we should have waited but my heart just didn't feel the same. Of course there were many questions regarding why the loss happened and I began wondering if I was too old or if it was something I did. Even though I have a history of this same thing happening it certainly doesn't make it any easier.
May and June came and went, each month as hopeful as the last but nothing. July was a month of traveling to visit family and some work training for Curt. We pretty much knew July was going to be a no go, but still we didn't want to waste a month. Coming back from our travels I definitely didn't "feel" pregnant and I honestly didn't even think it was a possibility. But sure enough that test was positive. Again still very early we proceeded very cautiously and waited before telling anyone. Each day I would test the line would get darker (unlike the pregnancy in April). We made it to 4 weeks and I finally had enough courage to call and make a Doctors appointment. Of course the Doctor doesn't do blood work and even see a pregnant woman until 8-10 weeks... and I was a nervous wreck. I spoke to my primary care doctor who agreed to test my HCG levels. The first level was good and I felt I could breath a bit easier and I was headed into week 5. The second level nearly quadrupled, we felt pretty good until the spotting started. I know of course this can be very common so I tried to relax, but there is always a fear in the back of your mind... what if? I called the doctor after a few days and they agreed to give me an ultrasound the following week.
The days leading up to the ultrasound seemed to be taking forever and the emotions were high. Not only were we curios if we were having multiples again we also just wanted to make sure this "baby" was doing well and heart was beating. We saw right away that it was only one, with mixed emotions we looked for that flicker of a heart beat and I saw it almost right way and all the fears went away. Baby measured a day ahead with a good heart beat. It was also discovered that there was a subchorionic hematoma just under the sac. This could have been the reason for the spotting. For some reason I left the ultrasound feeling confused and not as excited as I was hoping. But we moved forward the spotting stopped and my symptoms picked up, at this point we had told the kids and our parents. We were feeling pretty good and nearing 9 weeks, I have never waited so long to announce a pregnancy before and it was getting hard to keep it a secret given my body was already looking very pregnant (My body appears to believe I am carrying twins). We had a friend take some photos for us and decided on an elective ultrasound to check on baby before making the big announcement. At 9 weeks 4 days we saw our little baby moving all over the place, we saw the little flicker of a heart beat, and baby measured 10 weeks 4 days!! We also saw that the hematoma was all but gone. Feeling much better we decided it was ok to go ahead and announce. The support was and continues to be overwhelming and we feel so very grateful for all of our friends and family.
I am 10 weeks today and I look forward to sharing updates with you all! We feel very blessed to be pregnant and adding a new little life to our family. Back in October I read the blog of a mama that had just announced she was pregnant with baby 5. There was something she said that struck me very deeply and at that moment I knew I was going to add another child to our family.
"But with every new life, it’s almost as if nothing changed. We had the same family and life we did before, just added a new personality into the mix. As soon as they were here, we couldn’t imagine life without them. When you stop to think about it, it’s just the people you have plus someone new to get to know and love."
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